The Audition Process to Date Tom Cruise

The Audition Process to Date Tom Cruise

Just because Scarlett Johansson says no, doesn’t mean you can’t dream…

Scarlett Johansson denies ever auditioning to date Tom Cruise. She shakes it off like, “uhhh, I’m not that desperate and vile of a human being.” But imagine the opportunity. Tom F***ing Cruise. Sure, his religious beliefs might be a bit fanciful, but he’s not the first person with strange ideas about the supernatural. Ok-ok, so he’s in a cult. But he’s still “Maverick” who flew that F-14 Tomcat in Top Gun and straight into my heart in 1986.

I got to thinking, what would it be like to audition for the role of Maverick’s girlfriend? Maybe like a Miss Universe competition where you have to model an evening gown, a swimsuit, and answer questions like, “how would you solve the opioid epidemic?” Maybe Tom and his Scientology crew have a full-on obstacle course of paparazzi snapping photos while you walk with a Gucci bag and Starbucks Frappuccino in one hand, reporters asking hard questions, and your ability to remain care-free and look good all the while which nets you more points. Maybe he has a couple actors playing his ex-wife Katie Holmes and their daughter Siri, and you get judged by how sweet, civil, and motherly you are to the child. Then my mind started going Southward. What if Tom makes you…I mean, encourages you to…do something like…o.k. Never mind. That part frightens me a bit.

Here’s the scenario ladies. Cruise is auditioning for the role of Tom Cruise’s girlfriend. I know an opportunity when I see one. Any actor must take roles they don’t always want to further their career. This is the role of a lifetime. Just because Scarlett Johansson shrugged it off as lame, doesn’t mean all women feel that way. This could be the ticket to the big show. I’m not sure what you must do to get the audition, but I’m going to walk through a play-by-play of how it might go down. Ready? Lol.

The Audition

You arrive at a huge blue building with the words Scientology written on it. You’re in L.A., and it’s too damn hot for the black flouncy figure-hugging dress with that “sophisticated” off-the-shoulder neckline you’re wearing. In the building are a bunch of overly-smiley people and spikey-haired guys in lanyards that say, “Knowledge is Observation.” Hmmm.

You get ushered into a waiting room, and there are 24 other beautiful women studying manuscripts and checking their makeup. The place smells like a cherry-apple-strawberry-melon-ocean breeze-peach fruitcake mixed with a bit of smog and jealousy. After six women stand up and enter a Private room, you get a nervous feeling.

“You’re up,” says a man with a clipboard. The hairs on your neck stand on end, you take a deep breath, adjust your dress and walk into the room. “Hi, I’m here for my audition,” you say. Sitting in a red love seat is a distinguished, attractive man with dark eyes, a radiant smile, and a perfect jawline. You nervously fidget for a second, although it feels like an eternity, as his eyes scan you like laser pointers analyzing your assets. “Name’s Tom,” the dimpled, energetic man says. You giggle, because, you know, it’s Tom Cruise, after all. He exposes his twinkling-eye grin, hand pats two-times down on the sofa and raises his eyebrows. Your heart pounds in your chest. Yet, confidently enough, you slowly walk, swaying your hips overdramatically and sit on the firm couch. “Hi, I’m (insert name).” He reaches out his hand, and the warmth exuding from him is like a dry sauna turned up to the max. His eyes, more powerful than high-tide on the Ocean, are so alive and full of life spirit. “How are you,” he asks. That question, you’ve answered so many times before, now feels unanswerable, with this famous, multi-million-dollar hunka-hunka-burning-love inches away. “Amazing,” you say. He inches closer on the couch and says, “tell me a bit about yourself.”

And then you forget your line. “Crap!” you think to yourself. You sit there trying so hard to remember, and the cat’s got your tongue. You start to gush. “Oh Tom, you were so sexy as Maverick in Top Gun, I admire you so much the way you handled your divorce, and that interview in 2005 with Matt Lauer; you really got the best of him you know.” Your cheeks get flushed, and you feel light as if you’re about to faint. Tom places his hands on your leg. Electricity and heat surge through you and he leans in and says, “Just say the lines, you do remember your script don’t you?” You snap out of it and look at him surprised. “Is that all you want, is an actor? Don’t you want a real person?” Tom’s face turns into a suspended-serious-frown. “How dare you,” he says. “NEXT!” he yells.

You are grabbed by the arms of two strong security detail, pushed through a back door, and whisked away to an alley behind the building. Thirty other women are standing there. A short man with a combover hands you a lanyard and a pamphlet. “We’d love you to come to our free service today at 4 p.m. It’s going to be soooo much fun!”


What would you do if Tom Cruise or any man for that matter “auditioned” you to be their girlfriend? Feel repulsed? Or would you be excited at the opportunity? Let us know in the comments below.